Daniel Craig ~ Licensed to 24 Strokes of the Cane

One of the hallmarks of the Bond character is suave urbane sophistication;  sleek approachable wit and an electric energy with subtle hints of menace.  His clothes look good on him, and women are drawn to him in droves beCause he makes them feel safe and sexy.  They genuinely like him.  His style, his wit and charm, the twinkle in his eyes which imply mischief; his long sexy legs and perfectly fitted clothes...  among others

All that being said, how, in the name of Zeus' lightening rod is stocky looking, bandy legged, blue eyed, blond haired, rugged-faced Daniel Craig a 007??

The shortest person to take on the ICONIC role is Roger Moore at 6'1(185cm).

Monsieur Craig is 5'10 (178cm).  Difference much? You betcha betcha.

They could have even used Clive Owen, he would've been almost purrfect. His walk might not cut it though, but everything else is spot on. The facial symmetry, hair colour, smooth gentleman with underTones of malevolence.

The argument was that he was Welsh and not an Englishman. Ok, let us accept that that was his only flaw. So, what do the geniuses in Hollywood do? They get the nationality and the accent, and pretty much tanked EVERYTHING else.

And, Bond men hold pistols, specifically GLOCK.  What Bond man holds an Uzi, seriously??  Part of the charm is the subtlety... kill you with a smile. 

How is Daniel Craig James Bond for crying out loud?? Does he look like a Bond? Bond men are suave, urbane and oh so smoooooth like super fine cognac. Tall Slim, long legs, dark hair, dark eyes and full RICH thick head of dark hair. Monsieur Schraig has a widow's peak.

Does this look like a face with mass visual appeal???

Look at the link beLow.  Look at the stance of all the Bond Men, who is sticking out like a sore thumb?  http://www.007.com/characters/the-bonds/  You guessed it.  Well just in case you did not (weird, but plausible), here goes:

Who has short, stocky, bandy legs?
The Bond man has long, slim, STRAIGHT legs with generic appeal. The legs are easy on the eyes and have a fluidity to their movement. This is part of what makes the Bond man an absolutely delicious, visual feast. The elegance of his form.

The image of Daniel Craig coming out the water will haunt me forever....
His pecs looked sooo bizarre.  Like risen bread dough.  His calves... there are simply no words save awful. He looked like a life guard for crying out loud.  Also, what is with the darn shoulders??  He looks like a bouncer in a night club. How is this the international man of "mystery" ?  The Bond man blends in. He does not stick out like a gangrenous thumb. He has PRESENCE, not pecs.  He is charismatic, not showy (speedos much, anyOne?).

He does not look like a bandy-legged, thick-calved mutant! 

If he was any other regular bloke, sure, this could work.
But, we are talking about JAMES BOND,
and this is not it. Not by a long shot.
No sire.

He looks like this - a civilised man with an incredibly elegant physical form.

The Bond man is suave, urbane and sophisticated.

Bond men are not about looking like you live in the gym or flexing muscles for the camera. It is about Style and Delivery.

James Bond does not wax his chest hair!  He does not need to try that hard. His charm, wit, exquisite style, impeccable manners; the permanent twinkle in his eyes promising hidden pleasures, the cold glint of ruthlessness that makes you wary.  HE does not need to flex his pecs or give a Muscle & Fitness pose for pictures.  That is why he is a SECRET agent who can blend in with ease anyWhere. He is not an action figure. His hallmark is not 44DD pecs.

He is the perfect combination of gentleman and rake.

He is the quintessential English gentleman you would not want to meet in a dark alley.

Who has blonde hair?
Who is not wearing a tie?
Who is holding an Uzi? (unreal)
Whose face looks like it has just roasted over a volcano?
http://www.007.com/characters/the-bonds/

Someone doesn't beLong in this group.  Take a wild guess who that is. . . .   Pale skin? Check.  Dumbo ears? Check. Rugged repelling face? Check.  Eyes that lack conviction? Check. Droopy eyes? Check.  Ill-fitting suit? Double check check.  Zero visual symmetry? Quadruple check.

Bond men are not thickly built.  Neither are they slight of build. They have well formed beautiful bodies whose parts all align inTo a delightful symmetry.  The above is not it.

Bond men have perfect aesthetic harmony with their women.  Lower right hand does not.
They look comfortable with their women. Lower right hand does not.

Need I go on? Daniel Craig looks like a thug and he has blonde hair and blue eyes.  What gives??

Bond men do not have such harsh features with daffy duck lips and thinning Tintin-esque hair. They are not rugged looking!  This is why women are drawn to them in droves. This is why women trust them easily.  Is this the face of somebody you will trust at first glance??

Ok.  Let us systematically go through the Bond men, one after another; starting with the King of them all:

SEAN CONNERY

Licensed to make us s-w-o-o-n

As the first Bond ever, he set the standard to perfection.
With his panther-like movement and his perfect body which pulls off anyThing from a tuxedo to beach shorts perfectly, Sean Connery truly is the King of them all.

He is BOND.  Secret agent. Ladies man. International man of mystery who made enemies quake in their boots and ladies shiver with desire.  Could chop off an army with a single blow and disArm a military base withOut a sound.  He has stealth and roar.  Charm.  The only man in the stratosphere who could pull off drinking a martini daintily withOut looking effeminate

Quintessentially British with maximum international appeal.  He is... Bond.  James Bond.  007. Licence to Kill.  The Real Deal.  He is HE.

In continuation:

GEORGE LARZENBY
I can almost see some eyes roll in disgust.

The Sacrificial Lamb

Ok, let us view this realistically:
After being exposed to FIVE back-to-back James Bond movies featuring the enigmatic and oh so irresistible Sean Connery, we are then given a model with zero acting experience. He had the physical requiremenr, but not the charisma.

Naturally, the public still suffering from Sean Connery withdrawal symptoms went up in arms brandishing pitchForks and demanding for Larzenby's head on a spike.  He was demonized.  The fact of the matter is that no-One was ready to let go of Connery, and Larzenby was a tres pauvre replacement mainly beCause he tried to be Connery, as opposed to being James Bond. To satisfy the world and to save their (the studio heads) hides from being burned at the stake, Connery was brought back for one more outing (Diamonds Are Forever).  Who can forGet Shirley Bassey's throaty rendition of the opening sequence??  MAGIC! (might as well...):

Anyway, not to veer off course.  Shirley Bassey is hypnotic and "Diamonds are Forever" has got to be the most hypnotic of them all.  

Back to Larzenby.... he was dead beFore he landed on the screen.  After "Diamonds are Forever", the public was once more sated and the outCry died down.  Then, we were given:

ROGER MOORE

A This was James Bond... with lightHeartededness.  
Roger Moore made this role completely his own by putting a more humorous spin on the franchise.  Still, he was not to be trifled with.  He will kill you with a smile.  Alo, I think the studio heads learnt their lesson with Larzenby.  They no longer tried to clone Connery. They brought someOne quite different who still embodies the values which James Bond represents.

That's what made Roger Moore in this role so successful.

He, was the quintessential British spy. We needed to laugh and we needed to be in awe as well.  Roger Moore pretty much clinched it. 

From his creaking knees in "The Man with the Golden Gun" to his laid-back persona which will cause you to underEstimate him till the villain finds himSelf taking his last breath, Roger Moore made us breath a sigh of relief and made us smile.

Two years later, we were given…

TIMOTHY DALTON

Broody Brooderson

Tall 6ft 2, yummy divine. This Bond brought a sensitivity to the role. Rather serious with hardly a sense of humour in sight. Dark, brooding. Can't think of anyThing else to say about this gentleman. Did fantastic justice to this role in his own way.  And then (wait for it)....

PIERCE BROSNAN

Hmmm, now THIS fellow brought it and he brought it good.  He nailed it and slam-dunked it with a cherry on top.  He IS Bond. From his facial expressions, drool worthy squint, a sprinkle of cockiness combined with a voice dripping with honey which has been dipped in olive oil. Eyes twinkling with boyish mischief which can in the next second turn malevolent The erect spine, elegant mien, English swagger, graceful and precise movements, PERFECTly fitted suits, long divine legs and everyThing else in between. Watching him fight is like poetry in motion, watching him seduce a woman (halle berry) and make passionate love to her (halle berry) is like poetry in motion. That scene when they were in bed together behind the sheer curtain will haunt my visuals forEver.  Sean Connery may have set the Bond benchMark, but Pierce Brosnan brought it HOME. He was perfect, brilliant, magical, mystical with the right air of mystery needed to convincingly pull of the "International valuable Spy" bit. 

He IS Bond - women love him, men want to be him. 

Perfectly understandable, no arguments there. 

Alright then, all that being said; how in the name of the ancient Egyptian gods did the geniuses in Hollywood (or wherever, after one too many) decide that Schmaniel Schraig was the absolute perfect candidate to (a) play this role, and even worse (b) follow in the footSteps of his dazzlingly brilliantly predecessor?

I mean, what's the big idea?

Why desecrate this holy legacy with such an absolutely unsuitable person?  Why? Why? Why?

Please, if ANYBODY knows anyBody anyWhere that can get this through the thick drug addled heads of the studio executives, they should tell them...

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Stop torturing us with this.  

"Once is a mistake, twice is a decision"  -  Paulo Coelho.

....and, three times is just plain imbecillic. 

He looks like an albino (no offence to albinos)